Autumn Flowers

Relief to see and feel autumn coming on. The trees and leaves turning into something other than they've been all spring and summer. The air changes. The feel of the weather changes. Oddly, there is a little childish excitement in my heart for the on coming seasons. Hopefully it lasts. Sometimes it doesn't amid stress of life, the kids, and other unforseen stuff. I love living here in the Rocky Mountains. The rugged beauty of the landscape. The difference in trees and plants. The colors of it all. I poke my head out the window of the back seat of the car as we drive. I can smell some moisture, some green, but also some staleing scents from reddening tree leaves. I am chilly. I need the heat on my feet. I wonder where the deer have been this year. And something catches my eye. I start. Heart pounding, something is moving just out of the line of the headlight beam, big enough to be an animal or human. It's "oh my....", then, "oh my GOD, it's just balloons!" Why the heck am I jumpy? I resent it. Angry actually that I feel this way now when this place usually holds peace for me. On my birthday a few days ago, Stella-the dog, and I sat here in broad, full, warm sunlight on an evening filled with happy laughing sounds of passerby. And she started. The dog growled and barked at something close. She backed into me. I tried to talk to her. It was the first time she had ever acted like this. I had never heard her growl or bark like this. I could see no one. But I could hear very happy sounds. Cars and kids and people talking. None of these things had ever upset this dog like this. She continued. My emotion broke like a tide on shore. Angry I felt invaded by something unfamilar, unfriendly and unseen. I stood and said " Today is my birthday, and I came here to be with my dad, not someone who is upsetting my dog." Three kids walked down the cemetery road toward us. The dog payed no attention to them. She intent still on something off to the left. The kids passed. Unswayed by the growling dog who payed them no attention at all. She would not walk. I had to carry her to the car half clinging, half trying to get away past whatever had upset her. And she stood on the back seat shaking like i'd never seen her shake before. And now a few nights later here I sit shaking in the back seat. Glen had gone to get the flowers. We have to take them every Thursday night or the ground crew picks them up on Friday morning as they mow. Tomorrow I will change the flowers from a September bouquet to an October one. At least that means a trip to Tai Pan Trading! Glen comes back to the car. I am sad. I am cold. The feelings of loss and aloneness lay quiet in my heart. We drive slowly out of the graveyard. Me knowing deep down that things have not gotten better, my feelings have not changed, I have just gotten better at hiding the pain.

My Birthday

Today is my birthday. I think it will be a sad little day. Since dad died, events come along and I say to myself, "this is the first time I have done whatever or been where ever...etc. since dad died. I guess next year it will be better because I will stop saying that to myself every day- at least once. Its been almost two months, but it is just raw. The first few weeks I was just in shock. Now it is very real that he is not here. Like today, on my birthday. The first one without him. We went to Lagoon for Clay's birthday and that was a good day. The whole family went and we had fun. It was only till later that it was hard that he wasn't there when we had dinner and opened presents. We had so many good days like that. There won't be anymore "Yappy Barfday's."

Today

Today we buried my father. I am so, so sad. I am grateful for the love and support from others, and even knowing we all share the loss. It still doesnt touch the pain. People say it will get better. I know it will. I never thought losing my parent while I was an adult would be this difficult, but it is. I saw my dad daily. I am lucky though. And selfish that I wanted more time with him. It was so unexpected. This last week was the longest I have gone without seeing him in a long, long time. I am so sad.

Fabulous Idea

So we have trouble keeping a scedule for chores to be done. It's been hard cause we have the three big kids which rotate in and out of the house and chore responsibilties, and two little ones who are just learning to do chores. I saw this in a magazine. We took full size pictures of all the people in our family and put them on magnetic paper. Our chore "chart" is on a magnet board-which we bought at IKEA. The chore list is set up however it works best. (We have tried SOOO many ways-calenders with set chores, rotating chore lists by week or day in a game board fashion....) I am trying an inner circle with chores that change every day and then an outer circle with chores that change weekly but always include clean your own room, etc. The little magnet people turned out so cute and there will never be any disagreement about who's chore is whos. (HA!)

Coppermine

On Father's Day, the WHOLE clan went to the Kennecott/Bingham Canyon Coppermine. Man that place has changed. It's better in some ways, but not in others. They have closed off the big tire so you cant climb up into in anymore. You can stand by it but you can't touch it or a security gurard comes by and yells at you. The layout of the whole place changes. It is still cool to see the trucks-especially since your looking at big double cab trucks that look like Hotwheels compared to the dump trucks. The museum is cool and the gift shop. It is beyond me how deep that place is. AND that it is always changing. It was fun. The kids had fun. It was a nice day. (Man-look at those geeky kids!! I think Chris and I were about 7 and 8ish in these pictures. I really wanted to get pictures of my own kids in the tire. Oh well!)

Father's Day Weekend

Awesome weather!! It has been SO NICE!! It is supposed to be 90ish by the end of the weekend.
We are looking forward to summer. The kids are beggin to go fishing and camping. WE (the adults) on the other hand are trying to save money.
I have decided I have given birth to fish. They love to swim. I think we are going to spend everyday in the pool.
I am glad the weather is so nice, but this holiday(father's day) always reminds me of grandpa (Amos). It was the last holiday we spent together as a family-ya know before he went to Heaven! Bitter (but VERY) sweet memories. I miss him. (sorry I am a silly emotional girl!)
I love to put pictures up, especially so people can see them. They spend so much time sitting in a picture album somewhere. We enjoy seeing them. Looking at how goofy we are/were. Enjoy my slideshow of the men in my life I LOVE!! Happy Father's Day!!! I miss you Gramps!

Friday

I love Fridays. It's generally my day off. Today was GEORGEOUS weather! The kids and I went up to meet Glen for lunch. First I did a little work. Justin's favorite sentance right now is "Thanks Mom." He says it anytime anyone gives him anything or does anything for him. (He still hoots like a howler monkey when hes mad. We are taking them to the zoo so he can see his natural relatives.) It makes me feel good that the kids first real sentance is for me. (Even though he did say Dad AND Grandpa first!)
We spent the rest of the afternoon at Deseret Industries. I love that place. I can spent $150 bucks and get name brand practically new summer wardrobes for all 4 and a half kids, plus tons of treasures I or the kids find.
We went swimming when we got home. The kids love having the pool so close. I sometimes don't.
There was a little work to be done on the house. And some work to be done to be ready to go to work tomorrow. I gotta go cuddle with that one guy.....oh ya, my husband.