Autumn Flowers

Relief to see and feel autumn coming on. The trees and leaves turning into something other than they've been all spring and summer. The air changes. The feel of the weather changes. Oddly, there is a little childish excitement in my heart for the on coming seasons. Hopefully it lasts. Sometimes it doesn't amid stress of life, the kids, and other unforseen stuff. I love living here in the Rocky Mountains. The rugged beauty of the landscape. The difference in trees and plants. The colors of it all. I poke my head out the window of the back seat of the car as we drive. I can smell some moisture, some green, but also some staleing scents from reddening tree leaves. I am chilly. I need the heat on my feet. I wonder where the deer have been this year. And something catches my eye. I start. Heart pounding, something is moving just out of the line of the headlight beam, big enough to be an animal or human. It's "oh my....", then, "oh my GOD, it's just balloons!" Why the heck am I jumpy? I resent it. Angry actually that I feel this way now when this place usually holds peace for me. On my birthday a few days ago, Stella-the dog, and I sat here in broad, full, warm sunlight on an evening filled with happy laughing sounds of passerby. And she started. The dog growled and barked at something close. She backed into me. I tried to talk to her. It was the first time she had ever acted like this. I had never heard her growl or bark like this. I could see no one. But I could hear very happy sounds. Cars and kids and people talking. None of these things had ever upset this dog like this. She continued. My emotion broke like a tide on shore. Angry I felt invaded by something unfamilar, unfriendly and unseen. I stood and said " Today is my birthday, and I came here to be with my dad, not someone who is upsetting my dog." Three kids walked down the cemetery road toward us. The dog payed no attention to them. She intent still on something off to the left. The kids passed. Unswayed by the growling dog who payed them no attention at all. She would not walk. I had to carry her to the car half clinging, half trying to get away past whatever had upset her. And she stood on the back seat shaking like i'd never seen her shake before. And now a few nights later here I sit shaking in the back seat. Glen had gone to get the flowers. We have to take them every Thursday night or the ground crew picks them up on Friday morning as they mow. Tomorrow I will change the flowers from a September bouquet to an October one. At least that means a trip to Tai Pan Trading! Glen comes back to the car. I am sad. I am cold. The feelings of loss and aloneness lay quiet in my heart. We drive slowly out of the graveyard. Me knowing deep down that things have not gotten better, my feelings have not changed, I have just gotten better at hiding the pain.