"Please let me know where you are" (repost from Russisms.com)

Repost from Russisms.com original date April 4, 2009

So last night we went to a presentation honoring local organ and tissue donors. I knew it would be hard to sit through. I knew what it would be like. Sad. It's the oddest thing to sit with a couple hundred other people who have also lost someone. Kinda like you feel as you stand in the cemetary near a fresh grave. You know that there is a family somewhere else that has just lost someone, and feeling just like I do.




A lady spoke last night who had lost her daughter in a car accident about 11 years ago. She said many things that touched me, but one of the things I remember the most was that people around you have about one month's patience for you to greive and then they (not meaning to) want you to move through it and get over it. This is a little how I feel, afraid to be upset still. Afraid to be a burden on the people around me. I have to say, I have 29 years of loving my dad, needing him inside me, and I can't let go that easy. When I was alone, he and my mom where there. He rescued me and my broke down vehicle so many times. He said to me, "please, just let me know where you are, so I can come find you" "call me if you need me." Not less than a week before he died, "call me if you need me." How do you know that that person is there for so long, and then one day, he is gone. And I can't call him. There isn't one time I didn't call him when he didn't answer. One time I needed him and he didn't come. How do you pack all that missing someone, loving someone, saying goodbye into about a month? Especially when you aren't very good at expressing how you feel anyway?



A man has recieved my dad's eyes. A man that could not see. Now he can see. It's funny. My mom was teasing last night about how many times dad had crap in his eye and he had to go get it removed. If you knew dad longer than a few weeks you knew him to periodically have a funny patch over his eye, usually with an eyeball drawn on it. My mom said, "if only this man knew that eyeballs almost did not make it!" And they did. he has given sight to someone else. Something someone had to die for. But dad would have given almost anyone the shirt off of his back. God, I miss him. I am so happy that part of him went to help someone else. I know my dad is happy about that too. His final way to help out someone. I think about the last few days before he died and there are so many things that come to mind. Things that I am sure other people who were with him remember as those last moments too. A laugh. A smile. A joke.



I know that there is a litiny of things that people say to try and make you feel better. Things like "he is still around.....He knows how much you love him......You will see him again." And I appreciate the love and support of the people around me. BUT I do wish I could call him. 29 years. Do I have to wait 50 plus years to see him again? I guess we will see, but in the mean time, "Dad, are you okay? Where are you so I can find you?" I will never stop asking.