Carry me please.

Repost from Russisms.com original date September 12 2009:

There is not as much laughter. Sorry. There is just not. Our days are different. Our holidays. Our birthdays. I feel myself, most of me is here. Most of me. The other day I needed you so bad. I needed to call you-about rewiring a three way switch. I know that you may not have known exactly what the problem was but you still would have been here. It hasn't happened for a while but today was a day that I had to realize over again you are dead. Not that I ever forget, but the reality hit me. And it can be the nicest, sunniest day and I just feel cold inside. I need to know what you would do. What you would want me to do. I need to know how to handle the things you would normally handle. You left. And there are just things I can't do alone. And that is how I feel. Alone. As much as I smile. As much as I try to be okay. I am alone. I feel like you are gone forever. I thought I would feel you- sense you. Where are you? People said it would be better-and the shock, the frantic desperation of such a sudden loss has finally calmed inside, but now I just feel--empty. Things have changed. I have changed. And life could be worse. But I want to scream that it is worse. No one loved me like you. I realized that the other night, as I recounted the day you came to check the lugnuts on the tire I changed myself and I called at 4 in the morning. I know you remember that day. There were others I asked to come and they wouldn't. But you came. And you weren't angry. You werent mad. You came just to check the lugnuts and help me lift the tire. Who would come now? Is there anyone to count on who would be there. No. I feel there is not. It is three days after my birthday today. And I just miss you so much. Yappy Barfday to coin the phrase. God, I miss you. " I wanted you to know, I love the way laugh."- Seether. "I keep your photograph..." "Cause i'm broken..." and that's just the way I feel. It was good to have something to look forward to- planning parties etc. I think I overdid it. I am overwhelmed, BUT when things calm down, you're still gone, and when I am alone, I am still alone. I still don't know what to do about things. People still think i'm a f-in moron and I dont know what i'm talking about-even though those same people want me to fix everything. I wish I had known more of what it was like for you. I would have said something. I put that in my note to you-the note that is there by your hand. I have said that outloud to you- but I don't think you hear me. I think I feel like I have to fix everything because I could't things for you. That maybe you would have been here for just a bit longer if things would have been a little different. If I would have listened. When Bilbo says to Gandolf in the Lord of the Rings that he feels like butter spread over too much bread- I think you felt that way. And I feel that way. Stretched. Alone. I remember you saying....People take. They ask if you are ok. And you are- for the most part. You are invincible. People count on you. They need you. GOD, they need you to fix everything. Plan everything. Know everything. Alone. I wish you could see how hard I have worked to be healthier. I wish you could see me. You seem so gone. Where are you? Are you happy? I was making a video for you and mom for your suprize 31st wedding anniversary last Nov. One of the songs was talking about don't loose the time to come....that we need to talk about it....and GOD, it was like I knew. I knew. I think that is why I am so angry that I didn't say, all I needed to say. I have fought through so much and you were here. I screwed up so much and you where here. I hate feeling so alone. Is this my test? Are you at the end? I hate not knowing what to do. AND I HATE this empty, empty feeling knowing its my birthday, and you are gone. I had to go see you on my birthday. I had to go stand on your grave and give you flowers- on my birthday. And what I want the most in the entire world is for you to hug me, for you to say "yappy barfday," for you to put your hand on my neck. For you to say nothing, to do nothing, for you to just be here. For me to know that you are here. If only for a minute. I know you are busy, and other people need you. But I need you too. Rational. Unemotional. Push those emotions down. I have to go do stuff. Prepare. Get better organized for this upcoming week. Dry the tears, reapply some makeup so that no one knows anything is wrong. (Except for the poor unlucky soul who reads this...Do you get internet in heaven?? LOL) But for a moment I wish you could be here. And I could be your little girl, your daughter. And I could cry, and you could pick me up. Daddy pick me up. Please carry me, Please carry me. (and P.S. I need a gun, and there is no one to go with me.) I miss you.