Pieces

This last week my mom sold the Chevelle. This is a car that my dad bought in high school, let my mom drive when they were dating, brought me home from the hospital in. To my mom, I guess it has some great memories, but for me it has none. I do not remember riding in this car at all. This car has been parked in a field or driveway my whole life-under a tarp. The only thing I do remember is how my dad used to talk about it. He had a manual or a magazine-that one could order car parts out of. He had stuff written down, and circled. He would say, if we asked him what he wanted for christmas or his birthday, that he wanted this (he pointing to something in that book-which was always a few hundred if not thousand dollars....) The emotional part of this car came for me on an evening a few days before my mom sold it. We had no info about this car. Knew almost nothing of its worth now, as it sits, or if it had been in good condition. I jumped on the world wide web and surfed around. I found a plethera of cars, the same make, same model, the same options-as our Chevelle. Only, they were in prisine condition and worth 20, 30, 40, and yes even 50 something GRAND. Yes grand. I had just spent an afternoon crawling around, under and through our car to get pictures. On the web I found a Chevelle that had the same everything. The same seats, door handles, head lights, AC option, everything. The car on the web worth 30 grand. Ours, well, it was rusted, paint faded, neglected. Neglected. And the momentous realization hit me. I could not breath. White hot tears, an epiphany and not in a good way. This car, our Chevelle, was my dad's failure. I realized while he was busy doing all of these other things-the jeeps especially, the Chevelle had been neglected. I didn't understand it. I still do not. For some reason my dad, the person who had been so careful about guns, and little babies, and dogs, had left this car-this car that was valuble out in the weather to rot. I am confused. I know how he spent his time. I do not judge how he spent his time. He did spend plenty of it helping others and being with others that he enjoyed and enjoyed him. But this night I realized how overwhelmed he must have been with his decision to for go this car. To let it wait. AND I also realized how horrible it might have been to have to look at it everyday as he came and went from his house. To know he didnt have the means or the time to fix it up. He was overwhelmed. My heart broke a little bit, for my dad and the Chevelle, and all the other things I believe he really wanted to do but could not. So there are some pieces. And I drove by Big O Tires today, and saw the old Amos Rents (or anus grunts as dad used to say) work truck. It was painted with a nice Big O Tires logo, and for some reason it makes me very happy, and I cry, because for some reason it feels like there are some people who can make those broken pieces of my heart, those broken pieces of my dad, better. My mom sewed new apholstry in that old truck, and Garth has taken it and uses that truck, and has made it nice again. New again, given it a purpose again. And the Chevelle? I felt the same way the night the guys loaded it up on the trailer. It was going to a good home. A nice shop, where someone was going to fix it up, and enjoy it, and hopefully love it. And I hope one day, I get to see that car in all it's glory. And someone will have taken that big piece that was broken and mended it. Made it right. For me, for my dad. He could just not do it all. I understand. Same with the purple jeep. Someone is taking care of that thing, driving it, loving it. And hopefully the same for the race jeep, which is in our storage shed. To me, that was one of the greatest creations my dad had made with his hands, and his time. And this realization of what happened with the Chevelle has only made me realize how glad I am to have that jeep. A trophy of his dreams. Dreams that did come true. And although it is others that are putting together the things that dad could not do, I don't mind. He did so much for us, for others, I hope he doesn't mind that others are finishing his work. I hope that he isn't overwhelmed anymore. That he is finding peace. He had a hard time asking for help here in this life. I hope those guys enjoy the car. I look forward to seeing it one day, that big, dumb, 40 year old, orange piece of my dad that made me cry so hard that night....good luck guys. Huck a few wrenches for Russ...

Spooky Halloweenie Ghosts

Okay, so yesterday I watched Ghost Hunters all afternoon...Something I don't normally do- Just sit and watch tv all day LOL, but it happened. This morning I noticed a few odd goings on in our own house. I had been doing laundry all morning, going down about every hour to change the clothes over. We have a few sacks of stuffed animals in the unfinished/laundry section of our basement. I have been putting stuffed animals in this sack...In fact I had brought down a few and put them in early this am. About 9ish, I noticed three of the animals were out of the sack. I thought the kids had been in playing. I didnt move them. About an hour or so later they were on the floor. Same thing, blew it off thinking the kids had been in messing with stuff. The sacks are pretty close to the door that separate the laundry from the play room, and even if it was dark in the laundry room they might have got in to investigate....At about 11 I went down and two of the animals were in the center of the dark laundry room face down laying on the drain- and unfortunatly dirty now. I realize the cats could have been batting them around, or the kids could have come in and thrown them. But no way would any of the kids go into that dark room alone. The single light in the area is a pull string and none of the kids are tall enough to reach it. So I washed the two animals, put them back on the sack, booby trapped the door, LOL, to see if it is kids or cats moving around and so far, nothing yet. BUT when I just went down there I was sorting the clean laundry into baskets- maybe a little disheartened that the animals had not moved and out of the corner of my eye I saw a large full sized man shadow in that doorway that leads to the toy room. At the same time the cat hissed at the same spot the shadow was, and turned into a puff ball! I walked to the spot about 6 strides and could hear soft moving up the stairs. I thought perhaps it was the cat or the dog. I stuck my head around the corner of the stairs and heard the same soft movements on the floor above me. Now this could be my imagination, and the cats imagination, but our dog and our fat cat do not move "softly" on anything. I am not afraid just a bit unnerved. I commented on my Facebook page about the weird stuff this morning and then remembered last night the dog starred at the same spot in the room for almost an hour last night. No growling or anything, just starred, she would barely take her eyes off the spot and respond to us as we were sitting in the living room watching tv. I think we need one of those magnetic field meter thingies the GH teams use to measure the electromagnetic field in our house to see if that is what is makin us crazy. I didnt recognize the "spirit" so I dont think it was my dad or anyone I knew....got me thinking though.

The HOA

I am pretty dang angry. Wondering if I am out of line here. When we moved into this place Glen and I joined the HOA. I wrote the newsletter, never asked to be reimbursed, Glen has made nice metal signs for the pool yard and parking lot, and we shovelled snow last winter while the HOA went round and round and back and forth about how much to reimburse us. I didn't bitch until they finally settled on an amount and then the president sent an email out about how she didn't really feel comfortable with the amount and the way the board had settled on the price. I was furious, not because of the money. I knew we would get payed and the goal was to save the HOA money but because this woman who had been included in all of the decision making conversations decided to at the last minute put the kai-bosh on us being reimbursed for months- did I say months, yes I meant MONTHS of snow shovelling while the board dilly dallied around. We shovelled for crappy neighbors who would come out, right in front of us and brush the snow off their cars right where we had shovelled. They would come out and yell, not ask, but yell at us for not shovelling their patios or porches- which it was stated to them in newsletters that that was their responsibility. We got yelled at for making too much noise. For ice being in the parking lot. For snow that the snow plow pushed up against cars, that was none of our doing. We shovelled on Christmas Day. We shovelled in between cars and chiseled out ice etc. But most of our neighbors bitched and yelled about how awful the job was being done. We only had one neighbor thank us until.....dun dun dun....I threw a damn fit. We worked so hard last winter shovelling and salting. No one said thanks, the HOA didn't care to decide on an amount to pay us. This was going to be a hard lesson for us to learn though because we have all sorts of problems here in this little community. Our cars got broken into, no one cared- people stand around smoking not only cigarettes but pot only feet away from our car and back door, no one cares. They stand outside till all hours of the night and no one cares. People speed up and down the parking lot driveway-including members of the HOA and they don't do anything. They allow solicitors to approach kids and people in the parking lot, but yet the former president of the HOA told me once she was approached by David Paul Mitchell....you would think these people would care a little more about what counts, drugs, parties, stealing, speeding? NOPE. They get pissed about my damn dog not being on a leash. Yep my little 11 week old puppy that is always in my direct control as I am training her etc. and we get a letter of warning. It seems like to me the board has picked the easiest rules to enforce and to hell with the rest. It seems like to me they only enforce the laws that don't directly affect them- cause of course they need to be able to speed up and down the parking lot. If it's directly affecting them they dont seem to care about others, although they say they care about their neighbors... in fact there was a big to do about someone gettin their car towed and the bleeding hearts came out-for those people. And I realize I didnt directly recall it was rule the dog had to be leashed at all times, just in control, but ignorance is not an excuse to not follow the rules- but you know, when our neighbors had guest down in the pool area that were smoking and drinking we gently and graciously said "hey, if someone sees them down there doing that you will be in trouble." We didnt run to the board and bitch and moan. When there is a huge pile of dog crap right out our front door, a pile that is WAY to big to be our dogs, we dont bitch. OH YA, and when people go speeding up and down the driveway, WE DONT BITCH!! Someone left the pool gate open one night and our two year old (while in MY sight) walked down opened it walked in and went up to the pool and could have been in the pool before I even reached him.....I didnt BITCH! People park in our covered parking, and I bitch about that but I don't call the tow truck, I try to find the owner and get them out of our spot. My point is, if someone found our dog being off the leash SO OFFENSIVE why couldnt they have just said "hey, doesnt she have to be on a leash?" According to the earlier example of the board trying to say hey- lets cut our neighbors some slack and not report every infraction....where were they for us? A little reminder? NOPE. Just a warning letter. Now if the two year old accidently lets her out (which could happen but in reality the dog is pretty well behaved and doesnt go anywhere with out me but hey...) and she doesnt have a leash on- we get fined. If someone has it out for us, which in my opinion they could because of all the other little crappy notes we have recieved about our cat, and our kids- this person could just say the dog is out with out her leash and we get in trouble. I wonder if they are mad we quit? Are they mad we are late in our HOA fee's? Most have never been friendly so are they just assholes in general? My big point of this rant is if they are going to so ANALY enforce dog laws, they should enforce the speeding and loitering laws, they should enforce the smoking laws, and the no damn food and drink in the pool laws. But alas, I dont think it will happen. And I will continue to be angry about how two faced and rotten most of these people seem to be. And I will move knowing I am lying when I say that its a nice place to live when really, if you don't go to church, or if you dont fit into their little niche, if you stand out just a little they will target you, and pick on you, and even though you try to help and fit in it wont matter. It wont matter how nice you try to be, or at how many people you try to smile at or say hi to because they are really just onry, ignorant jerks. Thanks guys for extending us some consideration, a friendly reminder, or in general some common decency to consider "hey, maybe, we, instead of just sending a huge WARNING letter, and making the situation worse, making this place an unbearable place to live, we just remind them to keep the dog on a leash. Same with the cats. We have two cats. We have five kids. Our cats only existence in life is to escape the house. As much as I police the doorways there will - GOD FORBID be a moment when one of them, or both of them get out. I'm sorry. It happens. But seriously, instead of THREATENING me you are just going to start calling the pound, why cant you hop on over, knock on my freakin door and say "hey, the cat is out?????" IS THAT SO HARD TO DO YOU STUPID JERK? Instead of making my life totally miserable, cause I CANT BE P E R F E C T like YOU, and NEVER let my animals out, or always make my kids behave, you just come over and talk to me about it. But no, we live in fear the cats are out, and the pound has been called. It upsets me, it upsets my kids. It is unessicary stress. Now same with the dog. She will always be on a leash....up until an accident happens-and then, I am sure you will be here, waiting and watching ready to turn us in on the slightest infraction....you are an asshole. Thanks a lot. I feel like returning the favor and bitching about every little thing that goes on....I hope you speed. I hope you smoke, and I hope you litter....what goes around comes around. But until then we are working on getting the house up for sale. Thanks for making this experience unbearable.

Autumn Flowers

Relief to see and feel autumn coming on. The trees and leaves turning into something other than they've been all spring and summer. The air changes. The feel of the weather changes. Oddly, there is a little childish excitement in my heart for the on coming seasons. Hopefully it lasts. Sometimes it doesn't amid stress of life, the kids, and other unforseen stuff. I love living here in the Rocky Mountains. The rugged beauty of the landscape. The difference in trees and plants. The colors of it all. I poke my head out the window of the back seat of the car as we drive. I can smell some moisture, some green, but also some staleing scents from reddening tree leaves. I am chilly. I need the heat on my feet. I wonder where the deer have been this year. And something catches my eye. I start. Heart pounding, something is moving just out of the line of the headlight beam, big enough to be an animal or human. It's "oh my....", then, "oh my GOD, it's just balloons!" Why the heck am I jumpy? I resent it. Angry actually that I feel this way now when this place usually holds peace for me. On my birthday a few days ago, Stella-the dog, and I sat here in broad, full, warm sunlight on an evening filled with happy laughing sounds of passerby. And she started. The dog growled and barked at something close. She backed into me. I tried to talk to her. It was the first time she had ever acted like this. I had never heard her growl or bark like this. I could see no one. But I could hear very happy sounds. Cars and kids and people talking. None of these things had ever upset this dog like this. She continued. My emotion broke like a tide on shore. Angry I felt invaded by something unfamilar, unfriendly and unseen. I stood and said " Today is my birthday, and I came here to be with my dad, not someone who is upsetting my dog." Three kids walked down the cemetery road toward us. The dog payed no attention to them. She intent still on something off to the left. The kids passed. Unswayed by the growling dog who payed them no attention at all. She would not walk. I had to carry her to the car half clinging, half trying to get away past whatever had upset her. And she stood on the back seat shaking like i'd never seen her shake before. And now a few nights later here I sit shaking in the back seat. Glen had gone to get the flowers. We have to take them every Thursday night or the ground crew picks them up on Friday morning as they mow. Tomorrow I will change the flowers from a September bouquet to an October one. At least that means a trip to Tai Pan Trading! Glen comes back to the car. I am sad. I am cold. The feelings of loss and aloneness lay quiet in my heart. We drive slowly out of the graveyard. Me knowing deep down that things have not gotten better, my feelings have not changed, I have just gotten better at hiding the pain.