Still Hurting

Mom says she hangs up pictures of you because she doesnt want to forget you, and I feel that way too, it's just....just so painful for some reason. I waiver between the fear of forgetting and the fear of hurting so bad I can hardly breath. I look at pictures of you and just the thought of your hand on my shoulder just cuts me so deep. The last thing I touched on you was your hand. You didnt feel it. You werent there, well maybe you were there watching us say goodbye, but you didnt feel me. In fact during that moment it was David that was touching me...In fact I think if he hadnt been touching me I would have still tried to climb into the coffin with you. If he hadnt been touching me I would have probably would have just been screaming with frustration and greif. I put a little gold frog under you hand. Do you know that. I remember the last time you touched me with that hand. And I go through all our stuff, the stuff you touched with those hands....and I feel you. I know your work, and your life lives on throught the stuff you touched with your hands.....and I want you to hold me again....I would give almost anything for you to touch me again, with just one hand, one finger. For me to feel some warmth from you. I have empty picture frames ready for pictures of you. Maybe mom is right and I need to put up those pictures of you. I need you to help me know what to do. I need you to help me know what is right. There is nobody like you. And nobody does for me what you do. Some try. And I do love them for it, but none will be my daddy. My dad. In the darkest hours of my life you were there. You said nothing sometimes. But you were there. It was good enought that you were just in the house. In the lightest brightest moments of my life you were there. You always knew I could do it. At least you always let me know that. If you doubted me it was behind closed doors. I felt your disappointment in me but you were never condescending. I know you are busy. Justin says you are taking care of the birds. And maybe I am not supposed to feel you right now, I know maybe I am supposed to be learning something or doing something different right now. And I hope that one day....I will feel you. That we can talk, and I can look in your eyes, and I can say everything I need to say, or hear everything I need to hear. But for now, this moment I am struggling to find peace in it all, and a safe place, and I am wishing that you were here....somewhere working, talking, listening to the radio, driving a truck or a tractor. Somewhere where you were able to pick up the phone, or put your arm around me. I have to go do laundry now, and clean the bathroom, and figure out how to do somethings I would normally ask you how to do. I hope with all my heart you are happy, and that you are here somewhere and it is just not time for me to feel you. I hope soon I can have some peace and that soon I can dream another dream that doesnt involve daddy's leaving their little girls-even be it unwillingly. I miss you. I miss you and I love you.